Armageddon's Eve (NEW)
by shaadiaThePrincessOfWeird
Summary: Better written but still the unserious, hilarious story you love. When Artemis comes face to face with 12 alter egos, each one worse than the last, it's just plain annoying that a revived Koboi should feel like taking over the world. But on the brink of humanity's likely extinction, witness what happens when absolute stupidity meets total genius. The very definition of LOL.
1. Chapter 1

**REWRITE ALERT!**

**As I mentioned in the last aAuthor's note on Armageddon's Eve, it will be rewritten and it will not lose anything you love about it. Example, the humiliating things Orion and the others do to Artemis. Still unserious and stupidity mixed with hilarity. Prepare to laugh just like before, and if you're reading it for the first time, you get an introductory milk toffee!**

**- signed, S. (the Princess of Weird and HoofGirl)**

* * *

><p>"Oh my gosh," breathed Foaly. "It's impossible! It's not real! It's totally fake! We're seeing things! It's not possible! This can't be real! This has to be fake! We're seeing—"<p>

Holly punched him in the arm. "It's possible, it's real and you'd better use your mouth less than your brain."

The centaur gulped. She had been in a considerably bad mood during the past couple of weeks, although it looked like she was getting better now. It was still too early to take any risks, though. He didn't want a black patch somewhere painful. "Yes, ma'am."

There was a rap on the cockpit door. Without a moment's hesitation, Holly slid it open and immediately gave the Mud Boy on the other end an almost uncharacteristic hug.

Taurus blinked. "Uh...um...why am I uttering unintelligible syllables?"

Holly let go and folded her arms, grinning. "You were right about those coordinates, Mud Boy. This is where Koboi has the weapon stored."

Foaly smirked. "_Unintelligible syllables,_ Artemis? I guess even your genius alter can't supress some hormones."

Taurus blinked once more before shaking himself. "Spare me the teasing, Foaly, I am not Artemis. Have we located Koboi's exact whereabouts?"

Holly shook her head. "No, but we'd find it easily if this shuttle has sensors."

"Which I am guessing it doesn't?"

"I doubt it," the elf looked at Foaly. "Alright, centaur, your time to shine. Invent some sensors."

The centaur whinnied. "_Invent some sensors? _What am I going to do, scrap the shuttle? With what exactly do I _invent some sensors?_ Am I ever going to be appreciated?"

"Scrap the shuttle," said Taurus simply. "You know, Foaly, I think I'm just one task away from proving that Artemis is smarter than you."

Foaly scowled. "Don't refer to Artemis in third person like that, it's creepy."

"Ah, I see. Well, you do have a point there, seeing as I am part of Artemis and I am physically him—"

"If all males are this stupid," cut in Holly. "I wouldn't mind it when the world ends."

**••**

**Fowl Manor, Dublin, Ireland.**

**2:30 a.m. Two Weeks Previously.**

Artemis Fowl was not the type of person to fall off the bed in his sleep.

_Thump._

But then again, always a first time.

Artemis sat up groggily against the bedpost, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He swallowed in a yawn. Reaching for the bedside tabletop, he flicked on the lampshade. That was all he was going to do. He knew something was most certainly wrong if he wasn't bothered to simply climb into bed again.

His communicator beeped.

Artemis's first guess was an obvious one. Foaly had been watching through a bug camera somewhere and was calling to make a big deal of it. So, when Artemis did pick up the device, it was with bitter reluctance. That pony was annoying.

He frowned. Perhaps he had been wrong about Foaly, or perhaps this really was Foaly on the other end of the line. What he'd received was a text message from Holly's number.

_Hi Arty._

She obviously wasn't aware of the time above ground.

_Captain, are you aware of the time above ground?_

Typing from the other end.

_It's night?_

Artemis scowled. It was definitely Foaly, seeing as there was no way Holly could have known he was awake.

_As a matter of fact, it's two in the morning._

Typing from the other end.

A most unexpected message.

_Are you in your red boxers?_

Artemis was taken aback, but he recovered fast.

_I beg your pardon?_

A heart-shaped emoji from the other end.

_Or do you happen to own another colour? Green? Grey? Black? I like black!_

Artemis's expression went blank. No, it wasn't her. That was downright impossible.

_Foaly, I know it's you._

Typing.

_Ok Mud Boy, you got me. Just saw you fall off the bed. Does that happen a lot? Because I could make a fortune if I post that on the Fairy Web._

Artemis rolled his eyes.

_I have no time for this. I am feeling nauseous and I'd rather go back to sleep._

_Hey, you're ruining my afternoon fun!_

_Spare me your "afternoon fun". And please return Holly's communicator before_

He didn't get the chance to finish the sentence. His typing was fast, even if he wasn't fully awake yet, but it was an entirely different story if he suddenly lost consciousness altogether.

He was in for a bigger headache.

•••

Artemis grunted, rubbing a painfully swollen spot on his left shoulder. He'd experienced some kind of strange feeling when the blackout had some, and he could tell he wasn't in his room anymore.

As Butler had told him, look around you and mark possible threats.

_Perhaps I was drugged beforehand,_ he reasoned. _And now my captors have executed their plan. How did I not see this coming? _

Everything around him was dark. He sat against something cold and hard—steel, perhaps—but his hands weren't tied and he found he could move. The swelling on his shoulder blade was simply because it had hit the steel wall.

_Some kind of confinement._

Artemis had almost begun to analyze much more about the confinement when a flickering tube light in the distance caught his attention.

_In the distance? No, perhaps the ceiling is high and tilted. _

A face appeared in front of him.

"Ah!" exclaimed Artemis, staggering back against the wall in complete shock.

"Aaaaahh!" shouted his captor, staggering back towards the other direction.

The genius blinked. Now that was...downright odd. This was not the captor, possibly someone working under him.

"Who are you?" demanded Artemis. He hadn't seen the face, but at least he'd managed to make out blue eyes. It assured him ever so slightly that it wasn't completely dark.

"M-Me?" stammered the stranger. "Er...right. Sorry. Just didn't expect you to show up like that." He pointed at Artemis. "Oh my gosh, man, get some clothes on. It's scary how thin you are. I thought you were, like, a vampire. Like Buffy. I mean, like, _I'm _Buffy, and you're a vampire, and I have to slay you—"

"Excuse me," snapped Artemis. "I don't know who abducted me, but you lot should have had the decency to leave my clothes alone."

The stranger sighed. "Sorry, man, that's how the mind works. Like, you know, time travel. If you come in here, you're only allowed one piece of clothing. If not, something will happen and you'll get a headache."

"What?" Artemis creased his brow. "_The mind? _And _I _will get a headache?"

The stranger leaned in forward and made his face visible. One look was enough to tell Artemis everything he needed to know.

Blue eyes, pale skin, dark hair and _his _face.

"You're Orion."

The other boy clicked his tongue. "I'm not that loser. I've got _way _better pick-up lines too." He outstretched a hand. "My name is Aquarius. Aqua Fowl."

Artemis simply shook the hand. "I'm assuming you are a part of me as well? Is the Complex back?"

Aqua grinned. "Oh, it's better than the Complex, Arty. We can't tell you just yet."

"_Better _than the Complex?"

Something shook him.

"_We? _Who's _We?_"

Aqua stood, spreading his arms wide dramatically. "Alternate personalities!"

And, as if on cue, more lights flickered on.

They were in a lobby, just like the one at Fowl Manor, but with a few...alterations. The classic white sofas were dirtier than the last time the twins had been there. On the opposite wall, a massive TV screen was switched off, right above something that looked like a monitoring room's control panel. There were more taped posters on the walls than artistic oil paints and the walls themselves were utterly different. The one he leaned against was steel, the other three wore normal white coatings. Well, one of those walls wasn't white anymore, seeing as a lot of different things were either drawn or pasted there.

Artemis stood slowly.

Aqua, and it was now clear that he was wearing a Tshirt and a pair of jeans, gave the wall a proud look. "That's where we let go of ourselves. You know, go crazy, have some fun...but it doesn't happen a lot."

Artemis wordlessly crossed the room and stood facing the wall. He could make out only a few of the written things on it while the pictures were rather clear. Particularly noticeable was a large square in which twelve names were written, six on either side. Obviously by the looks of it, signed by different people. Aqua' was fourth, scribbled messily but readable. Orion's name was in gold block letters. Another, _Taurus, _was visibly the neatest while _Saggittarius _was barely visible and confined to a corner, away from the others and written in grey.

These were the alternate personalities.

"Where are the others?" asked Artemis.

Aqua shrugged. "I don't know, man, but I'm sure you wouldn't like meeting _all _of them."

Artemis frowned. "Why not?"

"Cuz," Aqua pouted. "We are all you, but we're just parts of you. We have, like, one character trait each. That's what Taurus tells us." He outstretched a finger towards the lobby's entrance. "That should be them right now. Bet ya someone's gonna be carrying Virgo."

And, as if on cue again, ten Artemis look-alikes entered the room at that moment.

The genius could do nothing but stare for once in his life, utterly baffled and dumbfounded. They were not all dressed the same, but they were _him._ Everyone had blue eyes, everyone had black hair and pale skin.

Except for one.

"Ah, good morning, my boorish count!" greeted Orion cheerily. "It seems you are finally here!" Artemis didn't even hear him, or even notice what he was wearing. The familiar one had mismatched eyes. One of Holly's, one of his. Somehow, Orion was the only alter who looked any different.

Orion was in ridiculously exaggerated medieval getup. Bronze shoulder pads with an armored chest plate and leather strips tied tightly around his arms. Not to mention a silver sword that hung from a belt on his waist.

"Oh, boorish count, you might want to put on some clothes."

Artemis scowled. "I'd rather stay like this than borrow yours."

Orion turned his nose up. "Huh. Funny, because the fair maiden would find me very handsome in these." He drew out his sword and directed it at the floor. "Brave knights, introduce yourselves!"

An alter in a suit similar to Artemis's stepped forward and gave Orion an incredulous look. "There was no need for that." He turned to Artemis. "I am Taurus, your prominent personality. Intelligence and planning. Thinking. Anything to do with that quater."

Artemis nodded. "That's perfectly understandable. Aqua?"

"Your teenage side," replied Aqua. "Oh yeah, you've got one of those. I'm not that prominent though. You rarely feel like being me."

Orion shook his head. "Quit your complaining, knight!"

Another alter stepped forward, this one in riding gear. Well, riding gear that hadn't seen polish or water in weeks. "I'm Leo," he waved. "Your awesome side. The fun guy. Orion's court jester. All that." He held up a palm. "Hi five? Do I have to ask?"

Artemis rolled his eyes. "_Fun _side? More like naïve and uninformed. I am no one's court jester."

Leo made a face. "Come on, let's go, buddy," he called to Aqua. "This sucks."

"No," snapped Orion. "_Retreating _is what sucks. Stay where you are."

Leo groaned, hunching his shoulders on purpose, walking to the couch and falling flat on his face on it.

Another alter rubbed his forehead. "Artemis, _Always _give Leo his hi-fives. He lives off them." He outstretched a hand. "Gemini. Your kind side."

"Kind?" asked Artemis. "There's a seperate alter for kindness?"

Gemini smiled. "Well, yes. Of course there is. Kindness, carefulness, gentleness—"

"Enough," interrupted Artemis. "I understand, I get the point."

The alter next to Gemini half-carried another alter. "Er, hi," he said. "I'm...Capricornus. Er, this is Virgo," he gestured shyly at the alter leaned against his shoulder. "He's...um, weak..."

"Alright," said Artemis skeptically. "And your trait is?"

Capricornus forced a smile. "Ah...well, my trait..."

"No self confidence at all," finished another. "I'm Scorpio, your...let's say, insensitive side. This is Libra," he gestured at an alter wearing a casual shirt. "Your stupid side."

Libra scowled. "I'm not stupid, I'm just ignorant!"

"Same thing, get over it," Aqua patted him on the back. "I told you so, Arty. You won't like all of them."

"It's not my fault nobody ever tells me anything!" argued Libra. "All of you are physco weirdos!"

Gemini sighed. "You're not stupid, Libra," he said kindly. "Just...a tad ignorant."

Libra grinned. "See? It's not the same thing!"

Artemis shook his head in utter disbelief. "Alright, who else must I meet?"

"Pisces," Orion gestured at an alter in beach shorts. Artemis winced. "Your...less-than-gentlemanly-side."

Pisces snorted. "Come on, that's a suckish introduction. Just say it out aloud, I wanna see him scream."

Artemis frowned.

"Alright," called Leo from his spot buried in the sofa. "He's a pervert."

Artemis nearly jumped. "_Excuse me?_"

"Just don't let him ever meet the maiden," warned Orion. "She will never speak to us if she gets to speak to him even once."

"Please explain _why _he's even part of me."

"There's nothing to worry about," assured Gemini. "He's your absolute least prominent personality."

Pisces showed two fingers. "Peace."

Artemis made it a point to ignore him. "So, Orion, is there anyone else—?"

"YOLO!" yelled an excited alter. His white shirt had somehow turned permanently brown and his hair was disheveled beyond repair. He cheerfully shoved his hands into his pockets and smiled in a way that exposed every tooth. "Hai, Artemis-san."

"Oh," muttered Orion. "That's...Aries. He's your...weird side."

"Hai," Aries bowed his head. "Wareware wa subete no bakadesu."

"I see," Artemis tried not to look mortified. "Does he speak Japanese all the time?"

"Baka," said Aries stubbornly. "I just said that we're all idiots. I'm not particularly weird. But in Libra's case, kare wa bakadesu."

Artemis rubbed his forehead. "Aren't there supposed to be twelve of you? Not that I'm keen on meeting anyone else."

Orion frowned. "Twelve? No, not twelve. Who said anything about twelve alters?"

It struck him faster than immediately that Orion was actually lying. "There are twelve, Orion, I know that." Artemis glared at him. "Who is Sagittarius? I saw the wall."

"Trust me," Orion placed a hand on his shoulder. "Forget Sagittarius."

"Really?" Artemis wasn't ready to lose the argument. "Someway, somehow, I am confined in my own head once again, surrounded by eleven alternate idiots and

I haven't even received an explanation as to why I'm here. I can see that none of you know the answer, so the least you could do is tell me everything I want to know."

"Forget Sagittarius," repeated Orion, a stern edge in his voice. "You'll regret it if you don't."

"Would you mind telling me why?"

"_Forget_ him," said Orion again, this time looking Artemis directly in the eyes. One pair mismatched, one pair blue. Somehow, despite the situation, Artemis felt something akin to envy at the colours in them. They reminded him too much of Holly.

_You're being ridiculous,_ scolded a voice in his head. _Why should you care about his eyes? You know her better than he does._

Somehow, he felt uncomfortable that he'd actually just thought that.

Jealously was not for a Fowl.

"Alright, Orion," Artemis shook himself. "I'll forget the twelfth alter. Just tell me how I can leave."

"You can't," Orion shrugged. "Well, not yet anyway. Taurus, brave knight, explain."

Taurus didn't even bother objecting. "We aren't planning on telling you the reason, Artemis, but from this point on, there will be twenty-four hour time limitations. Aqua will take over for today."

Artemis almost felt like laughing. "I can't believe this."

"Once his limit is surpassed, anyone of us can take over, you included. It will be twenty four hours before Aqua can take over again, but it's best kept simple. Each one of us has to get at least one chance before you can be back in your body permanently."

"You aren't telling me the reason," by now, Artemis knew when he wasn't going to get answers. "Let's pretend I am perfectly at ease with this. But there are some rules I want you to keep in mind."

Orion grinned. "Rule number three is hands off the Princess."

Artemis was long past being surprised. "How pleasant, you know what I'm thinking."

"Just me, really. After the Atlantis Complex, I found that we shared some kind of bold telepathic link."

"Fine. Keep away from Holly because she vehemently disliked Orion and I would like my reputation intact by the time this is over. Rule one; don't tell Mother or Father anything. They tend to worry too much. Rule two; don't touch a single piece of equipment in my study."

"That's all?" asked Aqua.

"Subete no kotodesu?" asked Aries.

Artemis sincerely hoped that the next eleven days would not turn out to be the worst of his life.

••••

**Author's Note; There you go! This will get crazier, no worries—and it's not gonna get updated unless you review, follow and let me know you're reading. YAYA!e; .**


	2. Chapter 2: Aqua

Author's Note; Keep in mind that this is Post-Last Guardian

•••

Aqua woke up with a smile. Well, he thought he was smiling. He was, after all, physically existing for the very first time.

He looked down at his toes and wriggled them. Well, Artemis's toes. Same thing. Finding something oddly fascinating about the toes (which wasn't that one foot had an extra), he reached for them with a hand.

He then found something fascinating about his fingers.

Not knowing what else to do, he started wriggling his fingers.

Aqua cautiously fingered the bedsheet over him. Snow White, soft and definitely cotton. Not that he hadn't seen a sheet before. He'd even used a sheet before. But this was a new body plus a new sheet.

"Woah," whispered Aqua. "Twenty four hours is a long time."

Wait a second.

"I'm wasting time!" exclaimed Aqua, startled, immediately jumping out of bed. He shivered when his feet touched the rug, taking a moment to enjoy the feel of the soft fibers against his heels, but snapped out of it just as quickly.

"Oh my gosh, I can't think," he breathed. "Why am I talking to myself?"

Aqua somehow managed to remember something Taurus had said. Oh yeah, Taurus the smarty-pants. _Once you're in charge, we'll be in your head. It'll be difficult to process thoughts._

"Oh," Aqua scratched his head. "Ok, now what am I going to do? Like, it won't work too well if I spoke every word I thought. Man, this has a big catch."

There was one thing to do before anything else.

A shower.

Aqua found Artemis's toothbrush.

"Well, it's still the same body," he reasoned. "I can use the toothbrush."

He spent the next half an hour playing with Beckett's rubber duck which he found in the bathroom for some reason.

Now for breakfast.

•—

Aqua strolled down the stairs casually, his hands inside the pockets of the jeans. He was appalled that Artemis owned only one pair. What a terrible taste that guy had.

He saw Angeline reading the morning news on the sofa, and froze.

His mother looked up at him and smiled. "Morning, Arty. You might want to have breakfast quick, and you're already late. There's a surprise—"

"Oh no," said Aqua under his breath. "She'll find out something's wrong."

He had two options—talk to her and sound like Artemis, or just run somewhere else real fast.

"Er...hi, mom," he managed. "Sorry, I meant Mother. Is there anything I can get you?"

Angeline shot him a weird look. "Arty dear, are you feeling alright?"

He then made the split second decision to run somewhere else real fast.

Angeline stared after him for half a minute, blinked, shrugged her shoulders and went back to reading. Doubtless, Artemis being confined into his head and replaced by an alternative personality didn't even start to cross her mind.

Once out of her line of sight, inside the dining room, Aqua was met with another challenge.

"Hi, Arty!" Beckett waved at him cheerily from the far end of the table. His blonde locks were sticky with pieces of scrambled egg in them. Beside him, Myles looked a lot more dignified, except for a big of mashed potato smeared down the front of his shirt, also probably courtesy of Beckett.

"Good morning, Artemis," he greeted, not bothering to explain what the mashed potato was doing on his shirt.

Aqua forced a weak smile. "Good morning to you too, guys—I mean," he silently cursed himself. "Myles and Beckett."

On the up-util-then empty spot beside Myles, someone suddenly appeared seemingly out of thin air.

Aqua jumped.

"Good morning to you too, Mud Boy," greeted one Holly Short, arms crossed casually. "I was here since seven. You made me wait two hours."

Unfortunately for him, and Artemis himself, Aqua's personality made it difficult to keep to rule number three.

_Keep away from Holly._

Man, she was _gorgeous. _What did Artemis expect him to do? It wasn't as if _he _didn't like her anyway, so maybe whatever Aqua said and did now wouldn't make any difference...

The elf scowled. "Hey, Fowl, I didn't visit just so you could stand there and wonder why I visited."

Aqua shook himself out of it. Still needed to get those thoughts under control. It just wouldn't work if Holly heard everything he didn't want her to hear.

_Aqua, I swear I am about to break this mind screen in half!_

That sounded like a very frustrated Artemis.

"Eh, Holly," began Aqua. "What brings you here?"

Holly crossed her arms, leaning back in her chair. "You sound ill, Mud Boy." She suddenly pushed it back and stood. "Come on, this is important. I need to talk to you in private."

Aquarius could only stand and stare as Holly walked over to him, grabbed him by the arm and led him out of the room, all the time with same impassive look on her face.

She gave Angeline a tight-lipped smile as they passed the lobby and finally turned round a wall at the front entrance.

Holly let go of his arm. "One chance, Fowl, confess that this is a D'Arvitting joke."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," admitted Aqua. "And...Er, I'm not Artemis."

The elf's frown became a look of confusion. "What?"

The alter raised his palms defensively. "I'm not. Look, something happened, something _really _important, and I can't tell you that. But I'm, like, an alternate personality...you know, like Orion? Well, a lot less annoying than Orion, but I'm...like that..."

Holly's expression turned disbelieving. "_Please _tell me that was a joke."

Aqua didn't reply.

She groaned, rubbing her temples tiredly. "Okay. Alright," she took in a deep breath. "Listen, Artemis—whoever you are. I'm not in the mood to be toyed with. You get one chance right now to convince the LEP that you did it." She pulled out what looked like a voice recorder from her belt. "Tell them now."

"I-I did what, Holly?" he managed. "'Cuz I have no clue. Arty doesn't either and I have his memories."

Holly suddenly seemed to decide she was going to trust him.

She clipped the gadget back on her belt and looked back up at him.

"You're not Orion?"

Aqua sighed, relieved. "I'm Aquarius Fowl. I hate Orion."

_Now that was completely unnecessary! _complained Orion inside his head. _You'll upset the Princess!_

Holly grinned. "The feeling his mutual."

_Oh, buuuuurn! _he heard Leo say, followed with a sound that could only be punching Orion in the heavy broze shoulderplates.

"Okay, one thing first," started Aqua, taking his chance to speak. "You can't tell Mom or Dad or anybody in this house that I'm not Arty."

The elf folded her arms. "So you and Orion are his...alter egos?"

"There are eleven of us," he admitted. "And, um...you won't see Artemis for a while 'cuz of that."

"What?" snapped Holly. "Look, I don't know what your deal is, but we _need _Artemis now and I have no time for bivouacs. Can he even hear me now?"

"Bivouacs are lame!" whined Aqua. "And you've got a really bad temper, babe."

"Opal D'Arvit Koboi is on the loose and you say I have a—" she suddenly realized something, and stopped midsentence. "What did you call me?"

"_Opal?" _screamed Aqua at once. "_OPAL?!"_

"Who the heck are you calling _babe?!"_

_"OPAL?!"_

_"Yes, Opal!"_

_"OPAL IS DEAD!"_

_"Apparently not!"_

_"BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!"_

_"Because we got a video and thought you faked it!"_

_"BUT OPAL IS STILL DEAD!"_

_"We don't know that!"_

_"THE VIDEO WAS PROBABLY FAKE ANYWAY!"_

_"STOP SHOUTING, AQUARIUS!"_

_"OKAY!"_

_"GOOD!"_

_"JUST SO YOU KNO—"_

"What's going on here?" demanded the stern voice of Angeline Fowl, cutting through their argument sharply.

Both elf and alter ego zipped their mouths shut.

"Er, Mom," began Aqua apologetically. "We were just...you know, one of those _really_ rare arguments—"

Holly raised an eyebrow, incredibly unconvinced.

Inside his own head, Artemis palmed his face.

—•••

**Author's Notes; YES, TORTURING ARTY IS FUN!**

**I need to know how many people are reading this rewrite, so please give me reviews and follow. Like I've said so many times before, this will include all the snazzy stuff you loved about the previous version, written better. As for those of you who are concerned about the perverted alter, don't worry. This will maintain the K+ rating!**

**Extra—Check out my other Artemis Fowl fanfic stuff if you liked this one! Also, await a hilarious AF/Percy Jackson/Harry Potter crossover chatroom fic—IT. IS. EPIC. And educational :) They set Leonardo Da Vinchi's house on fire by accident. They also team up and force themselves to stand each other so that they can save the world from Kronos and Opal. Experience magic mirrors, sea sickness, royal bathrooms and time travel like never before! COMING SOON! Follow me or just let me know in your comments, I'll message you when it's out. Don't forget to comment. Love ya XD**


End file.
